sleepinglight

my good friends just got engaged this weekend. i'm really happy for them. i wish we could do the same soon, but i don't want to push it. we went to Eroticon last night, our local fetish ball and on the way out there peeked into some jewelry store windows and looked at rings. i thought originally that i hadn't wanted a diamond, but now i'm not so sure. i like natural stones and i don't want it to be straight from africa with blood still dripping from it, so it's a hard decision. i wish my grandmother had a nice one that could be passed down. but i want my engagement ring to really LOOK like an engagement ring, you know, like a symbol... so people know.

the ball was fantastic, i was surprised when i had first mentioned it that sam wanted to go. we looked so cute and had a blast. my co worker, jen, was there and she won the best boots contest. i asked sam if he would bind me and take some nice bondage photographs. he is very new on the idea, but i think i can convince him. the thought really is hot to me.

i binged today on vegan cream cheese and peppermint chocolates. that's okay though, yesterday i wore high heels for the first time out. i deserve it. ;)

really go from 90 to 44 overnight this week?
why yes, yes it did.

holy cow. in related news, al gore got a nobel peace prize today on his climate work. well done al.

news with me: i'm at 136, my house is a fucking disaster as sam and i have been trying to get sick all week, school is so-so-i'm doing all right, weekends have been way too social and i need a break, getting mom a pipe for her birthday-yes, a pipe ;) working with jada b on cabaret, haircut growing out really nicely, waaay behind on reading.

exciting, i know.

Just finished up my volunteer shift at fairview and now it's time to write a paper. I've had such a busy weekend I don't feel like I've had time to relax, but it's good for me. Once I get into a quick get-it-done type of pace I buzz through a lot of stuff and feel full. This is best for me, keeps me busy, keeps the days seeming long but running quick. I will have a couple of big glasses of wine with dinner tonight with sam's parents.

A rundown on my weekend:

Friday: work most of the day, go check in to the volunteer station for lotus festival, got my bracelet to see bands for free for the night, got with sam, jada b and beth and rocked out. (saw balkan beat box thursday night...phenomenal as always)

Saturday: Worked from 8-1130 then went to third st. park to volunteer at the local co-ops food tent. they had me on brat and burger duty. go figure. i got a sweet shirt though ;) Finished up with that, hurried home-exhausted, made dinner for sambo and he went out with his boys, I did some laundry and went to bed.

Sunday: woke up bright and early around 8 (didn't have to, I just work like that for some reason and I feel lazy if I sleep past 9)with sam and sent him off to work, almost finished the novel i have to read for class (great book by the way 'if he hollers let him go' by chester himes) and made dinner when sammy came home, more laundry, dog walking whathaveyou and then to bed kinda early, 1030.

That brings us to Monday, today. I volunteered at fairview(the poorest elemetarty school in my county; 85% of the kids are in public housing and almost all get free lunch, I'm in a kindergarten class) and didn't feel as into it today. I guess cause there were a lot of situations I felt unsure in and sometimes felt like i'd done/said the wrong thing. I feel unsure about disciplining the kids, some of them have special needs. I don't know what the teacher wants me to do and I'd rather do nothing and have her deal with it then to deal with it wrong. That might change once I'm there longer. There is a little boy in there, David, he's so cute. He's got this terrible social anxiety thing though, the teacher told me it's called 'selective mutable syndrome' a form of separation anxiety she says. She's never heard him talk. He has a terrible time participating because he hates having the attention of everyone. Kinda reminds me of myself sometimes. I never speak in class cause I don't want everyone looking at me, and I'm afraid to sound dumb. Maybe that's part of how David feels. I hope I can aid in helping him come out of his shell.

Sam is coming home soon, it's gonna be so hard to write when he's here :). We don't get to see a lot of one another and here we are with the whole day almost off together and I'll be writing. Grrrr....

His parents are taking me out to celebrate my birthday (albeit belated) with sam's grandpa lou and brother in law, micheal. They've got birthdays this month I think. Feeding two birds with one seed... I'm tired. Can't really nap...I'll get caffeinated I spose.

Still stuck at 139-140. Dunno what's up. Dang it.

I just watched the video of the University of Florida kid getting tasered at a Q&A with John Kerry. I'm a little...okay, a lot confused. The kid was on the ground at the end, begging not to be tasered while literally 5 or 6 police officers held him down. What the hell part of him could he have possibly been moving when they did this to him? We'll never know. THEN, I hear that African Americans are saying things like, 'yeah, they would have shot him had he been black'. Bullshit. I'm not sure if I saw one black kid in the room number one, and number two, the idea that black people still have it bad enough to assume a worse scenario for themselves every goddamn time something happens to someone that is not black is fucking ludicrous and exessive. I know that not all African Americans feel that way, it's the more obnoxious people who verbalize it. At least they could say it all happened BECAUSE they were black, of course, rather than because of their sharp political ideologies. God forbid. That would cause a racket I s'pose. The whole situation is fucked. It makes me think of all the veins of angst, hate, disapproval, disrespect, and vanity that fuel our human environment day to day. All the underlying thoughts, selfishness, cockiness that you and I and them all pursue to perfect everyday in order to make us feel whole. You know what I do? I make friends with fat people. I hang out with children. I love talking to the older generation. You know why? They don't judge me.

The world needs a hug and to go take a shit because the nonsense we've got pumping through us, not just via media, politics, etc but the foods we feed our bodies, the images we see in the movies and on tv, the advertising, capitalism and greed that wraps us up, the consumerism that consumes us has nothing to do with love and is toxic. That's it.

Looks like summer is almost at a close. I'm a little sad, a little relieved. I can't sloth around cleaning and creating and obsessing any longer. I really want the regiment of up and to class and to work and to home. I like the discipline of meeting assignment deadlines and I'm really fucking excited to do better this semester. I made a bet with Iz. We're both shooting for 4.0's this year. If I lose I give her 20.00 and vice versa. I'm also excited about loans because I'm 153 in the hole right now. Quitting my second job may have been premature. And I've cleaned out so much of my shit to make room for Sam to move in, gotten rid of clothes, furniture, everything for him to fit and now...I seriously don't have much of a wardrobe. That reminds me! I'm gon stitch up some of my favourite ill-fitting t shirts today and make em work better. That should be fun.

It seems like a lot of people I know have been moving lately. Jim is going back to South Carolina today, Vince is moving to Baltimore, Gwynne just moved to Kansas, Ryan moved to Arizona earlier this year. Now if only fucking Sally would get the hell out of my city.

I've lost 5 pounds solid in the past 2 weeks and 7-10 for the summer. I've got 12 more to go till I'm where I want to be. I like my body lately, I really do. And I feel strong.

Sam and I had the day off yesterday together which was really nice. We went to brunch at his sister's house and afterwards went on a long hike with them and their dog Clyde and Puppa around lake Griffy. Nice trail. I had never been to that one. Afterwards we came home and took a nap together, walked Puppa, had pasta, and gave each other facials (!!) I love him. Then we watched a netflix movie and fucked around online and had tickle fights and such till 2am.

I made him a cd this morning cause he begged for it. I like this burning mixtapes thing. Alot. Prolly gon be doing a lot of that in the near future. For care packages, birthday's and such. A fantastic, cheap and sentimental gift. So....yeah, that's that.

I love my life

off in a row. i was trying hard to relax and think i have accomplished a little something but every day is a new ridiculous task that has got to be carried out. friday it was good. i don't quite remember it...oh! my sister came over and spent the night, we went to the drive in and saw a cute film about a rat who wanted to be a chef called ratatoulli. aras stayed up late and we made sushi and cookies together. the next morning i made a big tofu scramble and mom came to pick her up, too soon if you ask me. the rest of the day i cleaned up and napped. then sam and i went to the theatre to see 1408. not as scary as i would have liked. saturday evening apple came over to bring eggs and stayed forever...we gave sams old car to them and decided the next day ( that we had off together) that we would drive out there, pick them up and drive back home with them so that sam could drive the old car and apple and i could follow him in his car back to their house. we went for mexican for dinner afterwards. it was really beautiful out in the country. we took photos and petted chickens and horses. it feels so tremendous to stand on the edge of a rolling field of soybeans. watched a great documentary called after innocence and another this weekend called fuck. it was the history of the word. pretty cool. today is gwynnes birthday, she is coming over to make food for a cookout shes having tonight. i am really hoping that sometime soon i can have a day to myself. not interacting with anyone. i love my family and friends but kind of want to use one of my days off to relax fully and be alone a while. we'll see how this evening turns up.

paid off and closed the account of a shitty credit card today. samma and i went to the graveyard at sunset two days ago and layed on a blanket in the grass while he read a short story to me out of a book i gave him for christmas. it got chilly and the sky turned big orange and pink creamy stripes beyond the trees and tombstones. this morning is the first of the last three days i've got working at the hotel... i'm excited and relaxed. there will be much to tell i think about this weekend later. i feel like i don't give a shit about the stupid people (more soccer moms this weekend) and their stupid insignificant problems. i won't get my feelings hurt by them this weekend.

sam and i have been hyper conscientious of the waste we produce and i am concluding that so many things that we use often are not directly recyclable in our area. guess we'll have to find a new use for that container the mushrooms came in, the carton the soymilk came in, the shrink wrap around the cookie, the empty product bottles in the bathroom etc. I am learning tons already by living with the trash i make. baby steps i keep telling myself but i'm an all or nothing kinda lass. looking forward to going all the way and feeling happier about my impact. speaking of, been reading a lot of blogs such as no impact mans' blog and the compact. very inspiring.

the 4th was great, had a party. loved on everydangone and met some train conductors who stopped their train to watch while lighting fireworks at ninth st. park. plenty of food...of course and plenty of alcohol leftover. the new bfoods opened, we're ecstatic. played in the rain with meg and g. together again. oh love.

today, the 777. woke up an hour too early on accident on accounta setting the alarm and clock both wrong the night prior when the breaker broke. took a nap ;) had to push sams car ( the old one) on a slight incline to start...we'll see how this day goes. i'm working a double and at the salon right now. we'll see...

ps, i love life

so glad sam understands when i am volcanic.
a reverend woman at the salon told me today i had such a pretty eyecolour. love that. her's were just as pretty, a few shades lighter and more hazelly than mine.

Today is Sam's birthday. He's 24. Last night there was a blue moon and we both had strange dreams after watching the first episode of Lost (I am required to watch this on dvd cause his friends have the last season and are waiting for my non-tv-watchin ass to finish the rest before they start that one) and eating some wicked awesome tofu stir fry I made. My fellow foodie friend Jeff might come for a visit in a coupla weeks and I had to ask Sam what dish he liked best that I make so I could show off. Curry...that's the mental note. Thank you livejournal. ;)

Anyway, the dream: I'm in Sam's car and we're pulling into a dark parking lot, of a grocery store or something when a woman and her kid drive directly in front of us, like, in between the grass beyond the parking lot and our concrete park marker thing...somehow. I look over to see them walking into the store, the woman has two big knives in each ear for earrings. Cut to us driving away from the store now in pitch black when we notice a car following us with no headlights on, i'm terrified of this in real life and in the dream. It's really super close to the car and then poof! someone, an asian kid that kinda looks like the VA tech shooter is running right behind the car sooo fucking fast! I'm really scared and sam and I finally pull into a gas station that's really well lit and we look around. An exhausted, somewhat retarded and handicapped VA shooter dude is suddenly in front of the car and he's got a piece of paper that he finally holds up to my window. It says something like, here is my condition blah blah blah stating that he is unable to do certain things on his own and he needs help getting groceries and taking his medicine. Suddenly I am unbearably sad and I wake up to Sam also being awake at like 145am and talking about our crazy dreams. I don't remember his totally. Something about chicken nuggets as hockey pucks and cheating at the game to win by a longshot. Weird.

So I woke up at 6 today to make Sam his birthday breakfast. A 6 egg omelette with garlic, tomato
s, zucchini, green peppers, green onion, red onion, spinach, raw cheese, stilton (?) cheese, double gloucester, cream cheese, salt, pepper, cayenne, cumin and LOVE ;) I also made some veggie sausage patties. I was afraid for him to eat this monster but it's exactly what he'd asked for. A six egg omelette by the way, is way excessive and it took two spatula's to turn that sumbitch. Half of it is in the fridge right now.

Took the day off, gotta pay the rent, mail some shit, do some ebay shit, dishes, walk the dog, make a cake (but first obtain cake pans) for samalama and then rethefucklaaax.

Changes everything, no doubt.

Finished that dreadful Sufism paper with the aid of Sharon, Sam's mama. Growing more comfortable in her presence, that's really important to me.

Today I gave up my Friday hours at the salon to the other receptionist who needed hours for the summer. I wish I hadn't because of the money situation I already have with somehow owing the Gov. 466.00 this year. It's really impossible, I don't have it. Eating raw is expensive, supporting the both of us on my own is expensive but I have no quams about it. Just wish I could replenish my savings account because I'd like to have a car and a laptop...someday. But the bright side is, I won't have to work 14 hours on Fridays! Just 8. Like normal people.

Totally started thinking I was starving to death doing the raw thing and only having cooked food at dinnertime, which is unfortunately like, 9pm sometimes for me and when at the hotel if I don't have anything prepared I'm screwed and order my favourite pizza (avers sundried tomato, roasted red potato on spinach lemon pesto with no cheese ohmygod) and it ain't so bad ;) But I'd rather, truly eat raw. So tonight Sam and I are gonna prepare some mass food for the rest of the week and beyond for me to survive on. We'll see how that works through finals.

My boss at the salon, Claire is throwing a couples dinner party and it's in honour of another stylist who just flew to the Bahamas and got married this month. The theme is to all dress up as brides and grooms! Sam isn't too thrilled but I love any occasion to get dressed up prettypretty. It's a surprise, and we're allowed to be dead or demented or whatever else we can think of like halloween wedding styleee. I'm way hip that. We could be like, suicide pact bride and grooms or oh, oh! I can be preggo and like, a luuuussshhh. THAT would be funny.

I was on my myspace page today and a woman, Kate Bliss (who operates a social group of swingers here in Bloomington crazy eough) who gets her hair did by the newlywed was sitting behind me when I pulled up a sassy picture of Sammy when we were at this really kitsch hotel in Chicago over spring break. He's wearing a funny leapord print robe and kind or roaring sensually (?) with paws up and gon attack-like. She says "Oh! that's a very nice photo!" and proceeds to tell me about her OTHER social group that's ukre just for ladies that meets once a month for which she is gathering photographs of cute boys to make a cool deck of cards to play with. I figured she was insinuating that she'd like to have a copy of that and I obliged. I also gave her an inkling upon writing down her email that she may just get a little more skin if she's lucky. Hehehe...

This is the end of something rather, perhaps.

Today is usual, started raw yesterday. Worked out fairly well, gonna ease into it though. Worried about my body changing and not being able to fit into my favourite things, worried about maybe my boobs leaving, excited about hopefully also starting up at the gym again and toning up with samalama. I'm currently at work where I have hardly worked. Payed some bills online, read some out of my new raw cookbook, drank coffee, joked with the stylists, called sam. To my surprise (although I saw it coming) Sally has disconnected my phone line. As it was an extension of her own I feel like that was probably necessary. I'm calm. Just, another thing to deal with. But I am completely blown away about the whole situation really. I don't miss her. Glad this will be the end of ties.

I'm really frustrated however, with school. Not really feelin it nowadays. Prolly cause I'm not taking classes that I really like very much right now. They're challenging in an uninteresting way.

I'm looking forward to walking home in my running shoes today, maybe talking Sam into a jog tonight, hearing back on my inquiry into a job available at a food bank as an office assistant (?) part time, 15g a year. Would be a good foot in the door in the non profit field, we'll see. Looking forward to hearing back from my friend James about rekindling our friendship, to finishing a fucking paper for sufism that I've been hesitant to write. To NOT going to school this summer....goddamnit, I still really don't know what I want as far as that goes. But for surely sure looking forward to getting home this evening and having my first cooked meal of the day. Sure hope we got netflix. Fuck.

Better luck next time,
s